My mom has been gone for just over 2 months now. 2 very long months. A few days ago would have been my parents’ 53rd anniversary. I was thinking of them both all day, and especially my dad, as he tried to make it though not just another day, but a very special day in his life, and one that should have involved a bouquet of flowers, a dinner out, and a time of sharing special memories.
But I’m not done. Just over 2 weeks ago, my aunt (my mom’s sister) took my uncle to the hospital. He hadn’t been acting quite right for awhile, and that day she knew something was wrong. Over several days and several tests, she learned my uncle has large tumors growing on his brain, and will not be with us much longer. I drove to visit him, in a city far away, leaving my kids and family, in an attempt to say goodbye and I love you, because I’m sure I’ve not been able to do that adequately up to now. I’ve been selfish and naive, thinking there’s all the time in the world. When I got home I realized my amazing kids wanted a chance to say bye too, so we drove up again and got home tonight. He knew who we were and I hope was happy to see us. When we left, I again said I love you. I’ve decided that whether you lose someone quickly, or have time to get ready, it sucks either way.
But I’m still not done. I knew another uncle, my dad’s sister’s husband, has not been well. He and my aunt have been fighting his alzheimer’s for awhile. I found out while I was away the first trip that he has died.
To be clear, I don’t feel bad that my very much loved family members have died and gone to live with Jesus. I know they are healthy, happy, and in a much better place than we are. But I want my mom. I know my aunt and cousin aren’t ready to spend the rest of their lives without my uncle. I’ve decided there is no good way to lose a family member, quick or time to say goodbye – no good way. I’m tired of crying, feeling like I want to throw up one minute and wanting to stuff my face the next. My kids have no idea what to do with me. I couldn’t buy mother’s day cards and here comes father’s day. The other day (well, it was a couple weeks ago) I had to leave Wal Mart because an older lady came in leaning on her cart to hold herself up while pushing it and that’s what my mom did.
I know lots of my friends have learned to live without their mom, but how?? How do you do it?