And things go from bad to worse……

My mom has been gone for just over 2 months now.  2 very long months.  A few days ago would have been my parents’ 53rd anniversary.  I was thinking of them both all day, and especially my dad, as he tried to make it though not just another day, but a very special day in his life, and one that should have involved a bouquet of flowers, a dinner out, and a time of sharing special memories.

But I’m not done.  Just over 2 weeks ago, my aunt (my mom’s sister) took my uncle to the hospital.  He hadn’t been acting quite right for awhile, and that day she knew something was wrong.  Over several days and several tests, she learned my uncle has large tumors growing on his brain, and will not be with us much longer.  I drove to visit him, in a city far away, leaving my kids and family, in an attempt to say goodbye and I love you, because I’m sure I’ve not been able to do that adequately up to now.  I’ve been selfish and naive, thinking there’s all the time in the world.  When I got home I realized my amazing kids wanted a chance to say bye too, so we drove up again and got home tonight.  He knew who we were and I hope was happy to see us.  When we left, I again said I love you.  I’ve decided that whether you lose someone quickly, or have time to get ready, it sucks either way.    

But I’m still not done.  I knew another uncle, my dad’s sister’s husband, has not been well.  He and my aunt have been fighting his alzheimer’s for awhile.  I found out while I was away the first trip that he has died.

To be clear, I don’t feel bad that my very much loved family members have died and gone to live with Jesus.  I know they are healthy, happy, and in a much better place than we are.  But I want my mom.  I know my aunt and cousin aren’t ready to spend the rest of their lives without my uncle.  I’ve decided there is no good way to lose a family member, quick or time to say goodbye – no good way.  I’m tired of crying, feeling like I want to throw up one minute and wanting to stuff my face the next.  My kids have no idea what to do with me.  I couldn’t buy mother’s day cards and here comes father’s day.  The other day (well, it was a couple weeks ago) I had to leave Wal Mart because an older lady came in leaning on her cart to hold herself up while pushing it and that’s what my mom did.

I know lots of my friends have learned to live without their mom, but how??  How do you do it?  

Last day of school

We had a lovely year at preschool.  Dasha will be there again next year but Jack will be graduating to kindergarten!!  Yes, really!  There’s a big kindergarten IEP post coming; just have to finish up some thoughts.  Anyway, I usually try to dress the kids in pretty cheap and “get completely filthy” type of clothes for daily school wear.  But on the last day I put Dasha in something cute for once, and did her hair a little prettier than usual.  And I forgot to take pics before school but I did manage a couple after school – unfortunately, this is the best one:

Miss D looks little rough after playing hard at school but the shirt is cute, right??  (Thanks Ella!!)

A Visit from our Friends

We always have a fun time when Braska and Kinlee come to play!  I didn’t get any good pics of all the littles playing together of course, but when they all sat down to watch an episode of Signing Time, I got a few cute pics of the visitors :

Thanks for coming to play friends! 

Catch-up

I have waaay too many of these, but it's time for me to get a couple of things down before I forget. Madelyn was inducted into NHS (National Honor Society), along with several of her friends. We were very proud of her.

Both Madelyn and Tyler had their Spring Orchestra concerts, and they participated in the annual All-District concert where all the students in orchestra in the whole district play a few seperate songs and then a couple together. The lower grades play the same songs every year (that's where they all start, after all). But it occured to me the other night that I've heard those same songs 9 years in a row + 3 kids practicing at home. I should could be really sick of them. But I'm not. I'm a person who takes comfort in the expected, the routine, the planned. So it was nice, and comforting, to hear some familiar songs and fun to hear some new ones. Of course I got no pics of my violinists, they were too excited to get ice cream after the concert with their friends! Tyler was confirmed into our church last Sunday. We're Methodists. Confirmation is a time to learn about our faith, and our church, bond with the rest of the Confirmation class, and learn about other faiths. They went on a couple of overnight trips and had a great time. Ty told me any time he came home what a good time he had. That, in itself, is huge. But that it involved church was extra huge. After the past month, that was a giant comfort to my heart.

Jack's big kindergarten IEP is coming up. This is the meeting where we will determine Jack's present level of performance, placement for next year, and set some goal he will work toward in kindergarten. Now quite honestly, I have visited our home school, where I thought Jack would attend, where all the other kids went, where I know people and feel comfortable, and I don't think it is the place for him. Breaks. My. Heart. And I am not exaggerating. I left the school that day with a lump in my throat and a tight chest, and I wondered what the heck I was going to do. So I pulled my mommy hat on tighter and decided to visit another school in the district that I had heard good things about. Now I should explain, I am very happy with our school district overall. Yes, we've had a couple of issues but they've been resolved in a manner that's given me confidence in the district in general. I don't want my kids in private school. I've never been given convincing evidence that they're better than our district here. So ANYWAY, I went to visit this other school. The principal is someone I was familiar with (and have a good opinion of). The building and the people I encountered there were welcoming. The set-up for kids with special needs seems accommidating to all levels of functioning, easily adapable to different personalities, and eager to learn what works for each child. Jack would have access to a regular kindergarten class, and a special ed class. (Don't hate me for not being all about inclusion - I'm all about what works for my kid and he would be lost in a regular class all day, even with a 1:1 para. I want him to be successful and included where it will be the most beneficial to him.) So that will be coming up soon and I'm sure I'll have a big report on that.

I am now a new member of a terrible, awful, no-good, very bad club

Today is the day after Easter.  I won’t be posting any cute photos of the kids, wearing pretty Easter clothes and chasing down colorful eggs.  As a matter of fact, I may not post anything Easter related again.  I won’t ever look forward to Easter the way I did every year before this one.

My mom died last week.  Out of the blue.  Just didn’t wake up on Tues.  Her funeral was Sat.  It just doesn’t seem real and I pray daily that it’s not – let this be a terrible dream.  She was the one person in the entire wide world that I knew would always be there for me.  She never got to see Dasha’s hair cut.  She didn’t get to hear about our trip to the zoo week before last.  She won’t get to see any of the kids (except for Andrew) graduate high school, or get married.  She won’t ever come visit and live on the couch for a week again.  I have to live the rest of my life without her.  How the hell am I gonna do that.

My mom didn’t quite understand why we needed to adopt a little girl from halfway around the world who has Down syndrome.  But she wished us luck and asked what she could do anyway.  She could not have been more proud of her newest granddaughter.  She was sad when we found out Jack would be born with Ds.  But she wanted to be at his birth and stayed to get help me and get to know him anyway (and fell in love with him just like the rest of us).  She was thrilled when the other kids were born and so happy when we were all together.  She loved us all more than we’ll ever know.

I already miss her sitting in her chair, her little pile of kleenexes and lifesaver wrappers, her reading glasses and crossword puzzles.  No more cherry Cokes from Steak ‘N Shake, no more pj’s for Christmas, no more 60 degree rooms in July, no more envelopes full of newspaper clippings in my mailbox.  There’s something from my mom in every room in my house.  Neither of us liked having our picture taken so I don’t even have any of the 2 or us together in the last few years.  That was really, really dumb.

So here I am, in the “I don’t have a mom” club.  I hate it here.

Dasha’s Birthday

Dasha has a very special birthdate – it’s March 21, World Down Syndrome Day!  Cool, right??  However, because it was a special day, and because Dasha’s birthday is a few days before her sister’s and they are having a party together, we didn’t do a whole lot of celebrating.  A little bit, but the party will be later.  so I’ll post a few pics of the birthday girl on her special day anyway.

Is there anything more precious than a sleeping child? 

Here’s our sweet girl on our way into school :)

And here’s our little beauty later that evening, while we were singing ”Happy Birthday” to her.  Rest assured, there was cupcakes and ice cream right after. 

More cuteness to come!

I’m Tired

All the time.  And I’m sick of it.  I’m sick and tired.  I forget things, appointments, plans.  I have 582 unfinished projects.  Tonight, Tyler was going to an overnight event for his confirmation class.  I did remember that.  However, I did not remember that he had to be dressed in nice pants.  We realized about an hour and a half before he had to be there that his one good pair of pants was, you guessed it, completely missing.  So while we were at Wal Mart purchasing new pants, I also got him socks and black shoes.  As long as we don’t lose them, we’ll be ready the next time.

So I managed to pull a win outta that situation.  But most of them, I don’t.  I don’t like feeling like this.  I used to be organized.  I used to have lists, organized thoughts, shoot even a calendar in my head.  Dates used to stick and I would remember to get ready ahead of time.  Field trips, birthdays, and meetings were planned for AND attended!  Instead, now every day is a surprise.  I struggle daily to try to keep it together.  I can’t seem to focus.  I hate this.  Am I just this old?  Is senility setting in already?  Do I have too much going in to my head?  Do I need ginko?  Anyone?